Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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