It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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