shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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