Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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