i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Randomize
