I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
