i already hear my dad disowning me
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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