i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
