I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize