i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
