Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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