The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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