I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
