pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize