I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
