I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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