I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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