I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
