saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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