Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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