tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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