Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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