you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
