I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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