No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
