I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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