There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
i believe in u and ur pee
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize