it's too hot outside to masturbate.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
