i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
