Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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