i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
