There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Randomize
