dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
