and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
