I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
