1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
