He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Can you repeat that, but with context?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
