The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
