his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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