I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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