gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
