Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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