I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
