I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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