Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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