I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Farmville is her only friend.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
