u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
