You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
