I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
