I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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