he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
