The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Randomize
