um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
