you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
