I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
