it was like his penis was on wheels.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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