Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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