im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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