I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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